What you hear is not always said

I wrote before about the crucial importance of communication within your role as a manager. There are many aspects to this and I already covered a number of them. I am sure many of you recognize the feeling that something or someone triggered a sudden upcoming of an true emotion, be it anxiety, angry or upset.

What happens next, you decide... 

 I start off with the importance of creating a mutual understanding. Every individual has his/her own way of saying things, communicating their point of view, opinion or feeling. There is no language protocol other than the obvious vocabulary and grammar rules.

That is why it is always risky to judge on what you hear, even if what is being said blows every fuse in your brain. When that happens you have two options. The first option is to jump with all emotions you have into defensive or offensive verbal power language. Of course, from then on the listen mode at both ends is put on hold. And, regardless if power language ultimately comes from both ends, the outcome of such an outbreak is in my view totally unpredictable.

The other option is to hold your breath for a moment. Have you understood the message correctly? Is this really how he/she meant it? So, once it is your turn to react, start with rephrasing your understanding and ask if you understood correctly. In many occasions things are not as they came across the first time. Be it just an overstatement or wrongly stated.

This subtle moment of verification could save you a lot hassle to repair a relation and keep your stress-level in control!

But sometimes you did understand the message correctly. The verification got acknowledged. And, because you opened up the conversation, it might lead to even more additional verbal power. If the latter occurs, repeat the verification for whatever is new to the case, until all that is in his/her mind is on the table.

At that point in time you have phrased the case in your own words, acknowledged by the messenger.

Interesting enough, I am convinced that for many of you who take this approach, emotions are now replaced by a pragmatic approach to define the point he/she wishes to make. Not to say that emotions are totally out of the way, especially if you are the target, but they got to the background of the conversation. At least at your end... Not to forget that it is very respectful that you listened at least...

To take this time to reflect, it also gives you time to consider reacting immediately or to say you will come back on this topic later. If you postpone to react, at least make sure you give clear response on the timing, be it days or weeks or even better, immediately make a next appointment. You can always cancel that meeting if you need more time...

After all you have done as I advised, you can rephrase what is said, and emotions are still leading your feelings in the conversation, than I would strongly advise to postpone your reaction anyway: Emotions are your worst advisor...